How Great Thou Art

God continually amazes. He blesses me when I deserve no blessing, He blesses me, when I need it the most. When I came home from vacation Chris had caught the stomach flue, shortly after AmberDee had it. I was popping Vitamins like crazy trying to keep away from it! Both Friday and SAturday night I felt a little off, but did not get sick. I"m so thankful for that because Friday, Saturday, and Sunday proved to added up to a wonderful weekend all which helped me to prepare my mindset for the next few days. Monday night I woke up with the stomach flu. So I took it as positively as possible and used the time to get some applications filled out and was able to catch my brother online. I went to sleep dreaming of being able to eat food the next day and feeling better.
The next day, even though I felt like I hadn't slept at all, I was wide awake at 6:30, and I felt miserable, but excited. For some reason I felt like God was right there waiting to hear from me. I can't explain I just felt it, so I propped up my pillow and talked. I was filled with comfort from sharing, and excitement as I thought on the future and all the possibilities God could have in store. I was reminded of old passions and ideas and given new ideas, and I just felt so revitalized even through the nausea. I opened up my daily devotion book and read for the day(thinking it was the 29th) about how God is in control and we need to take one day at a time. THat there is a time for everything, and we need to see what God has in store for us for that day and not worry about the agendas of the future. I was comforted by that throughout the say as I focused on what I was capable of doing, and not the much needed tasks that needed to be done that I had no physical ability to do at the moment. THat first half of the day I assumed I would soon be well, ate a little whole foods, and did a little work on my computer, and enjoyed the sun. I even told the secretary of the school when she called to see if I needed another sub that I was feeling much better and should not need one.
Then I got worse. I threw up everything, lost all energy, and felt a fever coming back on a chills come all over. I called and asked for a sub for the next day. I felt like a dam of doubts were trying to overwhelm me. I was pushing to keep away the thoughts of how little my next paycheck would be with the missed spring break weeks and these new missed days. I was pushing back worries about getting any kind of supper ready, the possibility of getting Grandma sick, when I would be able to get back to work, and even if this would be the kind of work I would have to have next year too. On the couch I lay half in and half out, hungry and dying of thirst. I stumbled into the kitchen to get my water bottle I left there. I glanced at the clock, I don't really remember caring what time it was, but I noticed it said it was the 30th. It dawned on me that all day I had thought it was the 29th, and my thoughts went back to this mornings devotion. So I went to my room and opened it up to read the days.
There it opened with capital letters, "I AM TAKING CARE OF YOU." And continued with, "Trust Me at all times. Trust Me in all circumstances." And continued on trusting when we are weary, how before our day has even begun, it is laid out. THat He is there taking care of us, and we must turn our eyes to Him, and Trust.
What a perfect passage for the perfect time. So once again I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed by His care for me, His love for me, and how He uses so many things to speak to us. If we would only look for them. So through it all, I will continue to trust in Him, and know He cares.

It's March! The month of wonderfulness! Part 1: My Birthday!

March is wonderful for many reasons. The biggest is it's my birthday month, and yes I celebrate the whole month. It is the beginning of Spring, my favorite season. And it is the month of Spring Break. Let me start out by saying I had a wonderful Birthday!! Thanks to wonderful family, friends, coworkers and parents. I have been getting nonstop birthday wishes and every single one has put a smile on my face. About a week before my birthday I went into a low foreseeing a lonely sad and much different birthday I would ever face. That same day God taught me a very important lesson about thanks and joy in all situations and it completely changed my outlook. Ever since that point He has been blessing me continually through everyone I know. He truly is the God who sees, and I feel my name, Jessica - blessed by God, truly describes me.
I was able to get a great ticket price to go home after my birthday, even with the late date. I am taking off a week from work during the Spring Break period, and was easily able to find a sub. Last month I worked extremely hard hours, and was very much feeling it. Those hours were thrown to me, and where not sought out by me at all. I had no idea how much those hours would add up the next month. THe hours added up so much that I doubled my paycheck and was able to not only afford the good price for my ticket but also to pay for all the extra responsibilities that were coming up this month that I was worried about, while giving extra and actually saving some. All of this unplanned by me, but I know foreseen by God. He really works things out for good when you let Him take control.
The Friday before my birthday I was thrown a surprise birthday party by my class. I felt so loved and appreciated when I saw all that the teacher and the children's parents had done for me. I received a very cute Alyssa Milano Gators shirt and multiple gift cards! They made me swear to use them on myself to buy myself some nice clothing and not give them away :-p I felt so blessed and loved by them for what they did.
Before my birthday even arrived I received a package from my brother, Jon, but I waited until Sunday to open it. On Sunday right after church I went to check my email and Jon was on Ichat!!! this is only the 2nd time I have ever been on at the same time as him! So I opened my presents from him with him "there." It was so much fun, and so wonderful to be able to talk to him and share my joy over the awesome movies he bought me. He bought me three Jimmy Stewart movies: Bell, Book and Candle. Rear Window, and Harvey(MY favorite!!!) All three wonderful movies! I'm so excited to get to watch them with Grandma. He is an awesome brother(all mine are of course <3)
My uncle( who is the best uncle in the world) bought me two books, one being Blindside which I am very excited about, a balloon with a ladybug on it(I love ladybugs!) and a yummy berry cake. Grandma was able to get out and go out to eat for the first time since her fall and it was such a wonderful experience to get to do that together again.
I got a phone call from Nicole, from my brother josh, from Jamiie, and my Aunt Trish! It was so nice getting to talk to them all (minus Nicole because I couldn't get a hold of her when I tried calling back :( but it was nice to hear from her!) I truly have a wonderful loving family. <3
At church that night AmberDee was soooo thoughtful and bought cupcakes and then they sang me happy birthday when I came in. :)
And now I am on my way home - Everything is wonderful :)

It's A New Year!

Happy New Year!
To all my nonexistent readers. Upon further review of suggestions from experts I have decided to try to do a little more with this blog. I will still include my occasional thoughtful ramblings on my new found philosophies or insight into the world, but also I will try to keep this a little up to date on my life and the oh-so major changes and happenings I experiences.
So besides being sick over most of break and Christmas my Christmas was very nice. I received many wonderful gifts and was able to buy gifts for everyone thanks to the generosity of coworkers and parents of the children in my classroom who gave me many gift certificates. I received many wonderful gifts from my family and friends, and am so thankful for them. The best of my holiday time has been being able to see my family everyday. It is so wonderful to have them around. They are a constant joy around me, it is so wonderful. I can't believe how much Landon has grown!! He knows so much! I feel a little sad that I am missing out on so much at home, but I know it is all for the best. While Grandma has been in Rehab the family has made some major changes to the house and it is great. We now have a projector to watch movies with in the TV room and a new recliner. Krystle has done an amazing job straightening bookshelves and dusting and reorganizing. She has no idea how much she has helped me out. I constantly feel burdened from the many unaccomplished tasks here and the need for them to be done and my inadequacy to finish them. Krystle has so much talent with those types of projects, and I lack extremely in that area. I feel like crying almost every time I see it. These things being done give me more time to work on basic things such as shopping, household chores, cooking, running errands, attempting to keep my room clean, keeping pets happy and healthy while working a little to ends from being to tight. It is such a relief and a big boost to me when I needed it the most.
I have been able to spend time with Grandma and Grandpa, Aunt Trish, and Aunt Christy. I miss them a lot and wish I could see them more often. It is sad that even though I live there I hardly see them at all, still only when the rest of the family is here. But I know they are all busy, and it is just good to see them when I can. I do get to go out and see Grandma and Grandpa Monks a little. I haven't for a while since the snow has come in. I hope to do better with visiting them when Spring comes around.
Grandma is finally back, and it is so wonderful to have her back. I have a few snow days to spend with my family on their last few days here, and it really has been a wonderful Christmas time. <3

It's Christmas Eve in Kansas City

So I'm sick on Christmas Eve, the tree isn't decorated, I don't have the strength to wrap presents, my friends and family whom I have always spent Christmas with are far away, Grandma is still in the nursing home and I can't see her because I'm sick, and to top it all off it is raining instead of snowing. Christmas has always been an important day to me. I love the time, the season, the time with family, the music, the decorations, all of it. Every year I look forward to it, mostly the time with my family. This year I have really been struggling with Christmas time. For the first time in my life Christmas is extremely different. The song "Where are you Christmas" continually comes to mind. The lyrics, "My world is changing, I'm rearranging, Does that mean Christmas changes too." Always start to make me a little sad. But what I have been continually reminded of when these thoughts come is that this is really not what Christmas is about. Christmas isn't about me or how I feel. Christmas isn't about family, presents, the tree, the gifts, the snow, or the music. Even though these things do come into play at this time. And it is a wonderful time to sit down and spend with family. The ultimate purpose is to be reminded of Christ's birth and His gift to us. It's not about me, and no matter what happens to me around Christmas, the meaning for it will always be the same. That is what I have to focus on. So while it is hard not being around family right now, not seeing the family tree, having rain instead of snow, being sick in bed, being far far far away from all you know, it really is ok because the true joy of Christmas has not changed and there is still reason to celebrate. That is the real magic of Christmas, that no matter how bad or sad things may seem, Christmas will always bring "good tidings of great joy". So the rest of the lyrics of that song really seem to wrap it back around to the true attitude we should have no matter what changes:

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here in silence
Fills each and every heart with love

Wait by Russell Kelfer

This is an amazing and inspiring poem that never ceases to give me comfort when I'm feeling anxious to know more answers about my future. I think my favorite part is when it starts in Stanza 7. I think that stanza comforts me above all else. Knowing that we will learn more about Him, grow closer to Him, makes all waiting and all trials worthwhile and joyful.

Wait
Russell Kelfer


Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

Of Love and Looks

The other day I was thinking about how much personality affects attractiveness in the long run. At first when I meet I guy I know wether I think he is good looking or not. I try not to be judgmental or critical, but it is just there, the fact of wether I am attracted to them by their looks. If I actually talk to them or notice behavior or personality traits then those factors can come into play, but overall there is a look and it can be good or bad. Then you start adding personality and it can change everything. I have known guys that when I first met them I wasn't attracted to them, didn't think they were cute, and then over the course of my life have gotten to know them, hang out with them, and become friends. And now they seem completely different to me. Now that I know them, see how they act around people, and see there amazing loving personalities shining through, they are attractive. Looking at them is actually more pleasing to the eye. They bring a happiness and joy. Their smile lights up a room. I can actually say that I'm attracted to them. Now, I'm not saying I'm in love with them because there is more to love then attraction. There is compatibility, ability to work together, views on life, religion, goals in life and things like that. I love who these guys are and I am thankful and proud to be their friends but I realize I most likely won't marry any of them. But this thought has been sticking with me lately especially when I look in the mirror and hate the way I look. Sometimes I doubt my beauty. I want to be beautiful. I want my future husband to think I'm the most gorgeous girl out there, I want him proud to have me on his arm. And when I start to feel like I just don't cut it in the beauty category I think back on my new revelation. True beauty really, truly does come from within. I might not have the best outside beauty, the perfect skin, hair, boobs, weight, muscle, but then when it comes down to it the inside is what matters, and that I can do something about. So I'm going to focus on being the most beautiful woman I can be from the inside out. Because my future man (if there is one) might not think I'm all that much if he just passes me on the street, but I want him to be floored, dazzled and head over heals when he gets to know me. So much so that he couldn't pass me on the street without thinking about how beautiful I am.

Look at me now

This past year I have made more friends, been in deeper relationships, and added memories of experiences I will never forget. Sometimes I begin to think, why now? Why in my last year am I becoming who I really want to be, experiences relationships, friendships that I have been dying to have this whole time. Now, at this beautiful climax in my life, I turn and leave it all behind. I see the beauty of these relationships, of spending my time walking more with God, how much that changes everything. I'm sorry, not that I 'm leaving, but that I didn't discover this earlier so that I could have enjoyed these new relationships more before I left. I know that they aren't ending, but they won't be the same. I feel so much different now. It's exciting, scary, and beautiful at the same time. I need to take from this the lesson that when I move, I have to start out where I am at now, and not move back to how I was before. I need to find those relationships before its time to move again, and make sure through all I do I am doing it for His glory, not mine. I have to live everything I am for Him. It's big, but I think I am starting to learn, and its time for me to move to the next part of His plan. Exciting. Scary. Beautiful. Is a Life for Him. <3