Thursday, December 24, 2009

It's Christmas Eve in Kansas City

So I'm sick on Christmas Eve, the tree isn't decorated, I don't have the strength to wrap presents, my friends and family whom I have always spent Christmas with are far away, Grandma is still in the nursing home and I can't see her because I'm sick, and to top it all off it is raining instead of snowing. Christmas has always been an important day to me. I love the time, the season, the time with family, the music, the decorations, all of it. Every year I look forward to it, mostly the time with my family. This year I have really been struggling with Christmas time. For the first time in my life Christmas is extremely different. The song "Where are you Christmas" continually comes to mind. The lyrics, "My world is changing, I'm rearranging, Does that mean Christmas changes too." Always start to make me a little sad. But what I have been continually reminded of when these thoughts come is that this is really not what Christmas is about. Christmas isn't about me or how I feel. Christmas isn't about family, presents, the tree, the gifts, the snow, or the music. Even though these things do come into play at this time. And it is a wonderful time to sit down and spend with family. The ultimate purpose is to be reminded of Christ's birth and His gift to us. It's not about me, and no matter what happens to me around Christmas, the meaning for it will always be the same. That is what I have to focus on. So while it is hard not being around family right now, not seeing the family tree, having rain instead of snow, being sick in bed, being far far far away from all you know, it really is ok because the true joy of Christmas has not changed and there is still reason to celebrate. That is the real magic of Christmas, that no matter how bad or sad things may seem, Christmas will always bring "good tidings of great joy". So the rest of the lyrics of that song really seem to wrap it back around to the true attitude we should have no matter what changes:

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here in silence
Fills each and every heart with love

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Wait by Russell Kelfer

This is an amazing and inspiring poem that never ceases to give me comfort when I'm feeling anxious to know more answers about my future. I think my favorite part is when it starts in Stanza 7. I think that stanza comforts me above all else. Knowing that we will learn more about Him, grow closer to Him, makes all waiting and all trials worthwhile and joyful.


Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Of Love and Looks

The other day I was thinking about how much personality affects attractiveness in the long run. At first when I meet I guy I know wether I think he is good looking or not. I try not to be judgmental or critical, but it is just there, the fact of wether I am attracted to them by their looks. If I actually talk to them or notice behavior or personality traits then those factors can come into play, but overall there is a look and it can be good or bad. Then you start adding personality and it can change everything. I have known guys that when I first met them I wasn't attracted to them, didn't think they were cute, and then over the course of my life have gotten to know them, hang out with them, and become friends. And now they seem completely different to me. Now that I know them, see how they act around people, and see there amazing loving personalities shining through, they are attractive. Looking at them is actually more pleasing to the eye. They bring a happiness and joy. Their smile lights up a room. I can actually say that I'm attracted to them. Now, I'm not saying I'm in love with them because there is more to love then attraction. There is compatibility, ability to work together, views on life, religion, goals in life and things like that. I love who these guys are and I am thankful and proud to be their friends but I realize I most likely won't marry any of them. But this thought has been sticking with me lately especially when I look in the mirror and hate the way I look. Sometimes I doubt my beauty. I want to be beautiful. I want my future husband to think I'm the most gorgeous girl out there, I want him proud to have me on his arm. And when I start to feel like I just don't cut it in the beauty category I think back on my new revelation. True beauty really, truly does come from within. I might not have the best outside beauty, the perfect skin, hair, boobs, weight, muscle, but then when it comes down to it the inside is what matters, and that I can do something about. So I'm going to focus on being the most beautiful woman I can be from the inside out. Because my future man (if there is one) might not think I'm all that much if he just passes me on the street, but I want him to be floored, dazzled and head over heals when he gets to know me. So much so that he couldn't pass me on the street without thinking about how beautiful I am.