Thursday, December 24, 2009

It's Christmas Eve in Kansas City

So I'm sick on Christmas Eve, the tree isn't decorated, I don't have the strength to wrap presents, my friends and family whom I have always spent Christmas with are far away, Grandma is still in the nursing home and I can't see her because I'm sick, and to top it all off it is raining instead of snowing. Christmas has always been an important day to me. I love the time, the season, the time with family, the music, the decorations, all of it. Every year I look forward to it, mostly the time with my family. This year I have really been struggling with Christmas time. For the first time in my life Christmas is extremely different. The song "Where are you Christmas" continually comes to mind. The lyrics, "My world is changing, I'm rearranging, Does that mean Christmas changes too." Always start to make me a little sad. But what I have been continually reminded of when these thoughts come is that this is really not what Christmas is about. Christmas isn't about me or how I feel. Christmas isn't about family, presents, the tree, the gifts, the snow, or the music. Even though these things do come into play at this time. And it is a wonderful time to sit down and spend with family. The ultimate purpose is to be reminded of Christ's birth and His gift to us. It's not about me, and no matter what happens to me around Christmas, the meaning for it will always be the same. That is what I have to focus on. So while it is hard not being around family right now, not seeing the family tree, having rain instead of snow, being sick in bed, being far far far away from all you know, it really is ok because the true joy of Christmas has not changed and there is still reason to celebrate. That is the real magic of Christmas, that no matter how bad or sad things may seem, Christmas will always bring "good tidings of great joy". So the rest of the lyrics of that song really seem to wrap it back around to the true attitude we should have no matter what changes:

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here in silence
Fills each and every heart with love

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Wait by Russell Kelfer

This is an amazing and inspiring poem that never ceases to give me comfort when I'm feeling anxious to know more answers about my future. I think my favorite part is when it starts in Stanza 7. I think that stanza comforts me above all else. Knowing that we will learn more about Him, grow closer to Him, makes all waiting and all trials worthwhile and joyful.


Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Of Love and Looks

The other day I was thinking about how much personality affects attractiveness in the long run. At first when I meet I guy I know wether I think he is good looking or not. I try not to be judgmental or critical, but it is just there, the fact of wether I am attracted to them by their looks. If I actually talk to them or notice behavior or personality traits then those factors can come into play, but overall there is a look and it can be good or bad. Then you start adding personality and it can change everything. I have known guys that when I first met them I wasn't attracted to them, didn't think they were cute, and then over the course of my life have gotten to know them, hang out with them, and become friends. And now they seem completely different to me. Now that I know them, see how they act around people, and see there amazing loving personalities shining through, they are attractive. Looking at them is actually more pleasing to the eye. They bring a happiness and joy. Their smile lights up a room. I can actually say that I'm attracted to them. Now, I'm not saying I'm in love with them because there is more to love then attraction. There is compatibility, ability to work together, views on life, religion, goals in life and things like that. I love who these guys are and I am thankful and proud to be their friends but I realize I most likely won't marry any of them. But this thought has been sticking with me lately especially when I look in the mirror and hate the way I look. Sometimes I doubt my beauty. I want to be beautiful. I want my future husband to think I'm the most gorgeous girl out there, I want him proud to have me on his arm. And when I start to feel like I just don't cut it in the beauty category I think back on my new revelation. True beauty really, truly does come from within. I might not have the best outside beauty, the perfect skin, hair, boobs, weight, muscle, but then when it comes down to it the inside is what matters, and that I can do something about. So I'm going to focus on being the most beautiful woman I can be from the inside out. Because my future man (if there is one) might not think I'm all that much if he just passes me on the street, but I want him to be floored, dazzled and head over heals when he gets to know me. So much so that he couldn't pass me on the street without thinking about how beautiful I am.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Look at me now

This past year I have made more friends, been in deeper relationships, and added memories of experiences I will never forget. Sometimes I begin to think, why now? Why in my last year am I becoming who I really want to be, experiences relationships, friendships that I have been dying to have this whole time. Now, at this beautiful climax in my life, I turn and leave it all behind. I see the beauty of these relationships, of spending my time walking more with God, how much that changes everything. I'm sorry, not that I 'm leaving, but that I didn't discover this earlier so that I could have enjoyed these new relationships more before I left. I know that they aren't ending, but they won't be the same. I feel so much different now. It's exciting, scary, and beautiful at the same time. I need to take from this the lesson that when I move, I have to start out where I am at now, and not move back to how I was before. I need to find those relationships before its time to move again, and make sure through all I do I am doing it for His glory, not mine. I have to live everything I am for Him. It's big, but I think I am starting to learn, and its time for me to move to the next part of His plan. Exciting. Scary. Beautiful. Is a Life for Him. <3

Monday, June 22, 2009

Beautiful Christian Sister

By Maya Angelou

'A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ
That a man should have to seek Him first to find her.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean living,'
I'm whispering 'I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say.. 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain...
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!

Pretty is as Pretty does... But beautiful is just plain beautiful!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Perfect Song

Mrs. Rita sang this song in church today, and I am copying the scripture and lyrics from the song book. It is perfect for me to remember.

Song Scripture:

Now listen, you who say,
"Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money."
Why, you don't even know what will happen tomorrow.
What is your life?
You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.
Instead, you ought to say,
"If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."
James 4:13-15

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink;
or about your body, what you will wear.
Is not life more important than food,
and the body more important than clothes?"
Matthew 6:25
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness,
and all these things will be given to you as well.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.
Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:33-34
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.
I do not give to you as the world gives.
Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid.
John 14:27

I Know Who Holds Tomorrow
by Ira Stanpill

I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from it's sunshine,
For it's skies may turn to gray.
I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said,
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.

Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

Ev'ry step is getting brighter,
As the golden stairs I climb;
Ev'ry burden's getting lighter;
Ev'ry cloud is silver lined.
There the sun is always shining,
There no tear will dim the eyes,
At the ending of the rainbow,
Where the mountains touch the sky.

Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

I don't know about tomorrow,
It may bring me poverty;
But the One Who feeds the sparrow,
Is the One Who stands by me.
And the path that be my portion,
May be through the flame or flood,
But His presence goes before me,
And I'm covered with His blood.

Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

The Solution

Today I was reading Ephesians 5 and what I was reading really hit me as a solution to my anxiety and fears I have been trying to ignore. I really need to remember to give thanks to God in every situation, for all that is happening to me. This is also what Pam Tebow stressed at the conference. No matter what is happening thank God for it. I realized as I read this chapter, and as I remembered her words, that if I was doing that constantly, it would help my stress so much, and I would have a much more positive attitude. Instead of me trying to fight off negative fears I start with the positive which builds a barrier and a defense against those fears. This would help me to continue to look to God in all situations and praise Him for it, not just worry about what He is doing. It needs to be an attitude adjustment. I want to be an imitator of Christ in all I do. I need to ask my self and reflect to see if all my actions , my speech, my thoughts, how I spend my time, reflect Him.

The Future: The New Adventure

I have been thinking about the future a lot lately. I have been trying and praying not to worry about it, but my mind keeps wondering. As the next stage in my life approaches and the decisions I am making play out, I start worrying. What if I chose something else? I get scared about my next stage. Am I going to mess up again? Will I miss out on an important opportunity? I start thinking about now, and the adventure I am having now that is about to end. It is just starting to get so much better. I am meeting new people, there are new family members. Relationships are growing that are now going to be distanced. I worry about what’s going to happen. What will this decision affect? What relationships will change? I wonder if I will find new ones, and how they might change my life. I start worrying about people I know now, and how I will know them later. I wonder if in a year I will be where I am going, or if I will be moving on. I know I shouldn’t worry, but I the thoughts keep flooding in no matter where I turn. I am constantly reminding myself of my own advice I gave my sister. Just focus on what you have to do now, what God is telling you to do now. Don’t worry about the future, God has it under control and when He’s ready to let you in on what you are to do next, He will.